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Archive for August 19th, 2009

dorie 003Lucy is staying with us for the week.  Spending more time with her – and with her so pitiably lonesome and needy, with Tom gone and all her usualness interrupted – i am finding more ways that i like her.  This feels nice.  And she still can be very annoying – and even more so when she is so high maintenance and so underfoot.  It’s kinda touching that she is following me around, wanting to be near me.  And bloody irritating: she wants in and out, in and out – and she is always there.

And Buddy, even while he in some ways is enjoying having her around, has also once again – as happens whenever another dog is staying with us – has himself gotten hopelessly neurotic and needy.  He expresses his sense of loss in such a sweet, non-intrusive way – and i love him so much – that his neediness continually touches my heart, and it is relatively easy for me to give him the extra love he needs, even as it is not enough.

But i keep closing my heart to Lucy.  Partly because giving her the attention she is begging for, when Buddy is there to see it, just leaves him even more sunk.  And partly because I find her so annoying.

This closing of my heart to Lucy – even being a little mean to her – is nothing new.  I do it every time i come home and she persistently tries to insert herself between me and Buddy, as i give him my sweet coming home greeting.  Ditto when i’m sitting on the ground lovin’ on Buddy and she just keeps trying to get in between us.  I push her away.  I tell her to “go on” (Tom’s command for “leave me alone”).  All while she is watching me lavish love on Buddy.

I feel sorry for her.  I feel badly that she doesn’t get as much affection and attention as Buddy does.  I feel guilty that i am pushing her away.  I feel tense about the fact that she is so clumsy about asking for love – that she is, let me just say it – not as lovable as Buddy.

i just don’t know any other way to do it.  I am mean to her, even though i love dogs – and loving dogs is an important and cherished part of who i am.  I close my heart to her at the same moment that i am opening it to Buddy.  I know that this confuses my poor heart no end.  Sometimes i reach over Buddy, who i am petting, and pet her a little with my other hand – but this just encourages her and she again tries to push in.

Eventually, hopefully, Life will teach me a better way to handle this.  I hate closing my heart – to Lucy and just period.  Right now, however, i don’t know anything else to do.

Maybe opening my heart to me – having compassion for this difficult, confusing situation i am in – is the real lesson.  i was born to love – and sometimes i just don’t know how to.

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